007 Journals: Die Another Day

Okay, we all knew this day was coming. I feel like there are only two acceptable answers for what is the worst Bond film. Moonraker, and Die Another Day. I feel like both of these movies are the ones that are most often criticized but for different reasons. To me Moonraker suffers in terms of making entertaining films. The plot is boring, the villain is completely dry and deadpan, and they turned one of the series best villains into a cartoon character, but the biggest thing against Moonraker is that it ceases to be entertaining at all. At least for me. Die Another Day, though not a good movie, has entertaining parts. Now both films could also fall into the category of "so bad it's good" and I know both films have their fans, but I can only speak from my personal preference and viewing experience and Die Another Day is the better film of the two, but it's really like comparing one dog turd to another dog turd. Now this film marks the end of the Brosnan era and exists in a post Austin Powers world and makes the mistake of becoming a parody of itself, when a good parody already exists. This film marked the fortieth anniversary of Bond and his twentieth film and the producers had the bright idea to use this film to celebrate. Honestly that's what this film feels like, one giant celebration of James Bond. However because of that, it doesn't end up being a very good movie. That should be obvious during the infamous gun barrel scene, a bullet actually flies towards the screen. (audible groan.)

Now let's start from the beginning. There is a lot of promise early on in this film. We have Bond surfing into North Korea . . . okay maybe I should take that back. The surfing part is bad, it's the least spy like way of sneaking into a country and is only justified by their equipment being hidden in their surfboards. It's a ridiculous way to start the opening but it gets better. Now the opening in North Korea is the tone that this movie really should have stuck with. The idea of Bond being betrayed and stranded in an enemy country, only to be released because he's thought to have been leaking information is a brilliant idea for a plot. First of we just have ignore the Madonna opening song which is easily one of the worst Bond songs but also the first time that the plot is driven during the opening song. Honestly this opening is one of the best parts of the film and if they stuck with it, could have been a film as gritty as Casino Royale will end up being. Things just go downhill so fast. Now I know a lot of people are critical of Diamond Face (I know his name is Zao but I'm going to call him Diamond Face) but honestly I like him. It's something that we've never had in the Brosnan era which is a villain with a look. Trevelyan had burns on his face but that's nothing compared to a guy with freaking diamonds blown into his head. He looks awesome and even creepier later in the film when he's stuck halfway through his DNA therapy.Rick Yune is a competent actor and plays the role well and it's nice to have a weird villain with a quirk. Granted that quirk is just stuff blew up near his face. The closest Brosnan has had to a villain like that is Renard who can't feel pain, which is honestly a better character. This whole movie just feels like a throwback which I think was their intention because of the anniversary. It's just overwhelming. There are so many references to the past films (too many to mention so  here's a link) that the whole movie just becomes a self referential mess. Bond even picks up the book that Fleming based his name off of. Now that's meta.

Now I've always said Brosnan is one of my favorite Bond's but I wouldn't defend him in this movie because of one scene in particular. After he's rescued from North Korea and has the scene with M that's supposed to be really tense and they believe that he is leaking information, but the scene is totally ruined by the fact that Brosnan is speaking in a full blown Irish accent. Like he just forgot how to act as Bond or something. I wonder if this was the first scene shot or maybe a reshoot but it just pulled me out of the movie immediatly, which is not good for a scene in the first twenty minutes. After this scene he is totally fine but I just don't know what happened here. It's like he knew this movie was doomed and just didn't care although it was the highest grossing Bond film until Casino Royale. Just think about that for a second. Okay now about the rest of the cast. I love Rousmand Pike. If you haven't seen Gone Girl yet, go watch it for her alone. She's incredible. She however is not as incredible in this. She's not bad, I just feel like this wasn't a role she had her heart in or that maybe it was the fact of it being her first movie but she doesn't do a whole lot to make her acting shine. She does however have a good character written for her and she pulls it off. Much more than the other Bond girl of the film, Halle Berry. I dont understand, she is an oscar winning actress. How does someone as talented, and beautiful, as Halle Berry turn in one of the worst performances since Denise Richards as Christmas Jones. I feel like both were as equally miscast. Nothing seems natural about the way Halle Berry carries herself through the action scenes. She honestly looks like someone who's acting and not like an actual spy. To think they were planning a spin off with this character.

Someone I do like in this movie is Toby Stephens as Gustav Graves. I REALLY wish that he was in another movie because he would be a great actor to play a villain in a really good Bond film. Here he's hindered by the absurd story and unbeleive premise of being a character who had their DNA changed. I think Stephens puts in the best performance of the movie, and again, I would have LOVED To have seen this guy in a different movie. Bring him back for the next Craig film. If they continue the Spectre storyline he would make a great Spectre member. Instead we see him at the end of this film in a robot suit with an electricuting Nintendo Power Glove. The plot of this movie has merit but is just overall so ridiculous. This movie clearly wants to be the Bond of the future and shows it off with it's insane gadgety. You have a laser satellite from space, an invisible car (audible groan), the electric Nintendo accessory, hovercrafts, DNA transplants, cars loaded with more gadgets than you could imagine, they really just pull out all of the stops to make this film seem a little more futuristic, and honestly Quantum of Solace did it better simply by having some fancy computer screens.

So what's good about this movie? Yes there are some good things. First off I think the opening up until the point where Bond leaves the Chinese hotel is all good. It's a solid opening that sets up what could be a great story. Bond was betrayed, now he's gone rogue, and he has to find out who betrayed him and why. This is a great set up for a great Bond story that just falls apart from this point on. Even the general plot of former North Korean soldier wants to destroy the minefield in the DMZ to invade South Korea is a great plot thread too. Somehow these two ideas and sewn together in what becomes a mess of a film. So what else is good? Honestly, the action scenes. The ones not involving Halle Berry in particular.  Okay that invisible car is terrible. The CG on it looks bad 100% of the time, it's a dumb idea, it honestly doesn't need to be invisible for an practical reason in the film, but I kind of like the big dumb car chase. This movie is riddled with some of the worst CG but that car chase manages to be the best looking action in the movie. The worst looking action scene is shortly before however when Bond is running from the giant sun laser in a speed car and then parasails on some of the worst CG water and ice I've ever seen. I also like the idea of them flying the plane through the laser beam and fighting on the destroyed plane but it's once again hindered by the horrible CG effects and the fact that Gustav Graves is wearing that dumb future suit.

Honestly going into this review I was sitting at a two out of five now I'm leaning more towards a one. Honestly though I think I'll say two because unlike my previous one out of five (Moonraker) I feel like Die Another Die is more watchable. That being said I don't think I'll ever rewatch Moonraker and this is the at least the third, and hopefully last, time I ever watch Die Another Day. I feel bad that Brosnan has to go out on this film becuase he could have been so much more if they just squeezed one more out of him but if they did that then we may never get the Craig era so I guess I'm happy for that. There's very little redeeming qualities about this film (the dialouge is bad, the script is bad, the action is ruined with horrible CG, the aciting is bad) that you couldn't get out of a youtube clip and I can't recommend it as a must have to any collection. Also points off for having Madonna appear in your movie.

007 Journals: Live And Let Die

Hey, you know what was really popular in 1973?  Blaxploitation films. Luckily Ian Fleming wrote a Bond film about a black cartel. Well we are in the thick of it now. The Roger Moore era. I have seen very few Roger Moore Bond movies, just bits and pieces of different films over the years, so this was my first time watching a whole film with Moore as the titular character. I know that the Moore films are where the franchise really starts to veer off into obscure humor and silly gadgets so I was going into this first movie expecting an immediate drop from the last one. Honestly though, I thought this movie was great. Now it's not perfect. There are a lot of things from the time period that stick out. For one, this movie takes place in Harlem and Louisiana and focuses on a black voodoo based cartel in the 70's. In one five minute span we hear the phrases jukebox (in reference to a radio), pimp mobile, cue ball, and honkey. This, more than the previous, really feels like a film reflecting what was popular at the time.

Honestly this film has two completely absurd moments that leave me with the biggest groan I've ever had. Let's just get those out of the way now. First is the alligator hopscotch scene. Oh man! This scene was going so well but I knew it was coming. Bond out on the rock is actually a great tense moment. The alligators and crocodiles were legitimately terrifying when they were crawling on the rock. I think it helped that I knew he was about to run across the backs because honestly I was waiting for it the whole time and when it finally happened it didn't seem as bad as I thought. But MAN was that not a good idea in a script. If anyone can tell me if this was in the book I'd love to know. The other moment, Kananga blowing like a balloon and exploding. HOLY SHIT WHAT A DUMB MOMENT. This honestly knocked an entire star off my rating alone. Whoever wrote this moment, even if it's Ian Fleming, bad writer! Stop that!

I loved Roger Moore as Bond in his first outing. He was a lot more charming and serious than I expected. This film wasn't as outlandish as I know the series gets so maybe that has something to do with it but so far I give a big thumbs up to Moore as Bond. He feels very earnest in his portrayal and lives up to what I would picture from the books just as much as Connery does. Also I will say that Solitaire played by Jane Seymour is my second favorite Bond girl after Vesper. She is beautiful, I love her character, and it blew my mind that she was the mom Kitty in Wedding Crashers. Like wow! Really all of the performances in this movie (the serious ones anyway) are fantastic. Yaphet Kotto is a great Bond villain and plays right into the role. Honestly all of the worst performances come from the over Americanized stereotypical southern police that are after Bond during the boat chase. That is some embarrassing stuff.

The plot is fairly solid for a Bond villain. Kananga is producing heroin that he is going to give out for free and this will drive his competitors out of business, thus allowing him to start charging and run a monopoly. Honestly makes sense in a crazy sort of way. I also love that he's seemingly a modern man but still believes in old voodoo traditions so much so that he even keeps a taro card reader on hand. This is where the film gets a little interesting. Are we supposed to believe that Solitaire really has powers and that Bond steals them by sleeping with her? Are James Bond films now incorporating supernatural elements? Honestly the film doesn't really lean too hard either way and I'm inclined to believe that it's all just people believing in superstition and over thinking. I also want to point out that there is only one gadget in this film and it's awesome. Bond's watch has a magnet and the face spins and turns into a saw. It's all plausible enough and I love when they keep it simple.

While I do think the film is pretty great there are some up and down moments. There's a lot of little things that kind of bug me like just some sketchy performances from smaller characters, the obvious racist undertones, and just those two outlandish moments I mentioned before. Also it was impossible not to notice how much Ford sponsored this film because almost every car was the same. Aside from Oddjob I think this is the only real appearance of a henchman with a gimmick, of course referring to the man with a metal arm. Other than that, Moore is actually really suave as Bond. There is also an amazing boat chase in this film that is actually pretty lengthy. Now that I think of it there are two great chases in the film because even the chase in the double decker bus is rather entertaining. I also loved the score and that Paul Mccartney song is one of the best Bond songs. Honestly I liked this film worlds more than I would though so I'm going to give it a four out of five. Great but not perfect.

007 Journals: Diamonds Are Forever

Oh Sean Connery, I really took you for granted. I admit I was getting pretty tired of Sean Connery, who was caring less and less, as Bond but after suffering through Lazenby I was happy to be back to someone more suited for the role. Honestly he felt more into it this time around too but maybe that was because it was one film and Connery receive a record making (for the time) 1.2 million dollar salary. That's 6 billion dollars today because that's how inflation works right? Well coming off of On Her Majesty's Secret Service Bond was in a dark place. He had a grueling battle with his arch nemesis only to have him return and kill his wife on their wedding day, only for the film to abruptly end before we see Bond getting any revenge. A dark (kinda awesome) and odd ending for a major film. I can't imagine how audiences at the time reacted to it and I assume it didn't help the reviews any because at least for us we have hindsight and know there's a next film. Back then they had to wait and see what happened. Now we enter Diamonds Are Forever.

I've heard a lot of mixed feelings on this film, either a love it or hate it relationship mostly, and I can say from the beginning I was skeptical. This movie has one of the strangest openings I've ever seen and comes off almost like a cartoon. We open with Bond on a revenge spree trying to track down Blofeld. I love that they didn't mess around and went right into Bond wants revenge, even though we get no mention of his dead wife or anything like that. For all we know Bond wants to kill Blofeld because he ruined his coffee maker. Good thing we saw the last film. The director decides to not show us Bond's face until he's well into his fist punching for information so we get a lot of awkward scenes of bad looking punches and reactions. Maybe this was to offset the idea that it wasn't Lazenby anymore so there may be some disconnect. This all leads to just one ridiculous moment. We now have another new looking Blofeld due to some extensive plastic surgery, and this is probably my favorite incarnation of the character. I like his look and hes the most competent, but then Bond automatically drowns him in this mud he's laying in. Then we find out that Bond only killed a double so then he has to kill the real Blofeld by throwing him into a steaming mud pit. This is just a ridiculous opening and we might as well skip ahead (assuming you've seen the movie) and say that this is all pointless since Blofeld ends up being the main villain of the movie anyway. Bond kills two body doubles in the beginning and even at the end we get another body double with the real Blofeld. I just don't see the point in the opening swerve. You could argue that yeah you think Blofeld is dead and won't be in this movie but the end throws all of that out the window. Though I do really like the banter with the two Blofelds at the end despite them using the same trick they already did earlier in the movie. The ending encounter in the Whyte House is great. Let me just say this though, I'm more willing to believe in DNA Therapy than all this plastic surgery. We'll get there.

Honestly I actually really enjoyed this film. A lot more than I ever thought I would given its reputation. I know it's the last official Connery (I will be watching Never Say Never Again when I get to it's release year) and I know the Roger Moore films deal more in the camp and silliness that I'm not a huge fan of so maybe it was just Connery's last hoorah that made me like the film so much but I think there is plenty of enjoyable moments and aspects. The first thing I'd like to point out are the henchman Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd. These two guys are weird and creepy and I love them. Two great henchman and while they are stated as being homosexual in the book they don't specify in the film but it's clear there's something going on with these two. Their sideways glances and just the way they talk to each other, it's clear love is in the air. One character I did have issues with was the Bond girl Tiffany Case. Actually both Bond girls were fairly intolerable. Plenty O'Toole is rather pointless to the plot other than looking beautiful and uh . . . plenty. Tiffany Case is serviceable but honestly has some of the worst lines I've ever heard. Her whole distraction dialogue at the gas station is awful and telling a small child to blow up his pants? What? What does that even mean?! She plays her character well but there really isn't much character there. Even Bond calls her a stupid twit which is kind of a funny moment. She also has a very pointless scene with Q (who she just inexplicably knows?) as he is committing crimes in Vegas casinos.Maybe Q was the real villain all along!

This might be the first time since Goldfinger that a villains plan actually gets anywhere in the grand scheme of things which was kind of nice. However this also marks the about the third time in a row that we end the film with one army battling another army on an awesome super villain base, this time an oil rig. These are all great scenes and this one is easily in my top list but it's starting to feel repetitive. It didn't top the last one however in On Her Majesty's Secret Service. Blofeld's plan this time is to hold the world hostage and have a nuclear superpower auction. He creates a laser satellite using stolen diamonds and starts destroying nuclear deposits in different parts of the world. It's an interesting plan and he actually gets quite far into it before Bond is able to stop him. However it does give us a lot of bad visual effects. The action in this film works better when it's more personal like the awesome fist fight in the elevator and the two gymnastic girls near the end, which is an idea I love and would love to see tried in the modern era because these girls couldn't pull it off together. Also I just want to point out that Bond driving away in a moon rover is just ridiculous and why is that there?!

There is plenty of bad stuff in this film. A lot of bad visual effects, some horrible American stereotyped characters, and plenty of horrible dialogue to go around. On top of all of that though, there is a solid plot that never gets too far in the realm of ridiculous, Connery feels more earnest this time, and there are some decent spy moments. Bond climbing the tower was a cool moment and even gave me a little anxiety (I don't like heights.) This actually seemed like a movie to stay away from if you have some phobias. In this film Bond gets locked in a coffin and almost burned alive, buried alive underground, and hangs from the top of a tower by ropes. It's amazing what he survives in this film, especially with an older Connery.

Overall I give Diamonds Are Forever a three out of five. This isn't a great Bond film but I found it entertaining. This feels like one that's harder to love for a lot of fans, and I can't really explain how it clicked with me but I never felt bored and actively liked a lot of things going on in this film. I know I haven't talked about any of the theme songs really but I would like to point out that this is one of the ones I really enjoy. There are a lot of bad things with the script and production, but overall it's an okay film that I would possibly give another shot but wouldn't miss it if it never crossed my path again.